By Victor Ochieng
Being a pastor is no mean feat. It takes God’s Holy Spirit for one to perform exceptionally as a pastor. Everyday, true pastors are faced with numerous challenges. From a believer seeking help to address some complex troubles to someone confessing their grave sins; from families faced with infidelity troubles to those being torn apart by physical or verbal abuse, our pastors hear it all. Besides such issues, the pastor must also always ensure that church is running smoothly.
At the end of the day, when a pastor returns home, he’s exhausted. But that’s also the moment when the wife gets roped into her husband’s perceived burden. As a pastor, you know exactly what’s troubling you, but your wife doesn’t, despite being interested in helping you feel better. Do you open up and share with her what’s weighing you down or not? Telling her is a great step towards releasing the weight from your heart. But could it be that you’d be going against the principle of confidentiality?
Is a pastor’s wife entitled to all information relating to the church? Where is the boundary, if at all there is one?
In an article posted in The Gospel Coalition, Dave Harvey shares six principles that have worked for him over the years.
1. Wife Has A Role to Play
Even though some may think it’s not right for a pastor to talk with his wife about church issues, especially those relating to personal matters, it’s important to know that a pastor’s wife has a role to play. She’s that consultant working in the background, and she should be allowed to play that role, as long as she’s doing so with wisdom and confidentiality.
2. Protecting Hearts in The Process
When a pastor shares information with his wife, it’s important he does so objectively, conscious of his own heart and that of his wife. Is the information being shared capable of pushing the wife away from the faith? Is it information that’s likely to put your own heart into further trouble? Are you sharing more than is necessary? Are you adding your own commentary that ends up distorting the meaning? When sharing, know that the heart matters and should be protected.
3. Adhere to the Law
The information a pastor shares, whether with the wife or anyone else, must not be one that puts him into legal troubles. How terrible would it be for a pastor to mishandle information and end up putting his family into trouble? That’s the moment we consider the words of Proverbs 21:23: “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.”
4. Obey Church By-Laws
A number of churches have their own rules governing how information is handled by the clergy, whether the information relates to the church’s administration or members’ personal issues. In all such cases, the pastor must be conversant with what such laws say.
5. Gauge Maturity
The personal and spiritual maturity of your wife is important when it comes to gaging what you can share with her. For a spiritually mature wife, the challenges shared with her wouldn’t wear her down or send her out of the ministry. She’d be able to handle them and support him even as he seeks solutions to the challenges.
6. Ability to Resist Temptations
Besides maturity, how a wife responds to temptations really matters. Is she the kind of person who can be easily pushed into disclosing confidential information when faced with justification issues? Is she the kind of a person who’d be caught in some emotional outburst when faced with temptations? These must be considered before any sensitive information is shared with her.
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